Lord, I am surrendering all these to Thee!

From the Aug 17, 2005 post ...

I have been contemplating a lot on posting this on this blog and i mean contemplating ALOT. It took me a long while to post the original comment.

It all started when I 'bumped' into Irene's few days ago.

It was one on her personal spiritual struggle with God against our own human fleshly desires, or in her own categorization "Sexual temptation". Well, before you start to categorize her, this is just a small category of her vast creative writings and posts and i really mean vast! And even a page dedicated to purity. Hey, check her out yourself will ya.

I was particularly drawn to these post, as I consider my own walk and pondering on how our generation and the younger owns deal with it. It was in a way a revelation, to hear it from HER side, but also and encouragement to see how faithful He is.

1. Porn is okay?!
   
2. It's not just a male issue
   
3. Don't know where it'll end

I must forewarn though, that her post are very frank and could be too revealing to some ...

I must forewarn though, that her post are very frank and could be too revealing to some, can I will personally suggest that you read it with a open mind, and of course exercise your maturity in discerning the information

As for how you define mature is up to you, considering the kind of information the internet and media that is accessible to the younger generations now, I can't draw the line. To me, maturity come when you have your set of values and you are ready to see how others think and how strong you hold to yours.

It's not just about the content of the posts, but comments where other Christians come together in Christ's love to support, was a real great encouragement to me.

Irene's frank disclosure and sharings, encouraged me to share my own experiences and struggles.
I have meant to set up this blog to share my personal struggle in Him, but time and time again, more often than not, I found myself refraining (chicken out if you must) from revealing too much.
I always wanted this blog to be as transparent as possible. Not just another holier-than-thou blog, that tells you what to do and try to force a view unto you, for a frank blog which hopefully and ultimately demonstrate His Love and Grace.

I am sure (sadly), in our personal walk, we stumble and He will lift us up again.
I am taking this opportunity to share especially to my precious youths.
I want them to know that they are not alone in their struggles. Even adults and their 'leaders' struggle with it.
But He always provides us with a way out. We just need to latch on to His hands into His caring embrace.

As we continue to strive to be pure before God, and letting ourselves put through the refining fire of God's furnace, let's not stop encouraging one another and hold one another accountable. In Him shall we draw our strengths.

kuancheen|munich

Here is my original comment as a response to her post on "Porn is okay?!".



"Hi Irene,

Hope that things are better for you now.
Saw a few newer post that you are begin to find more strength in Him. Will continue to keep you in prayers.

I 'bumped' into you blog, when I was browsing though sno's (hmmm... kinda weird to call her that but sweet at the same time :P). Then jumped to Leo Koo's (most of the time, i jump from blog to blog ... i dun even know who they are ... i just get lost!) and landed on his post on "The M issue", and finally to this.

It really have been inspiring ... your sharing and stuffs, think this could be an avenue for us to come to get to support one another, to encourage one another through our walk with Him.

Had the privilege and time to read your other posts, "It's not just a male issue" and "Don't know where it'll end", and can't describe how much I can relate to it.

I admire the frank nature of your post, always been looking for other in Christ that will share their walk openly and transparently.
That was one of the reason I started blogging. Although you may admit, I need more courage.
Which reminds me our call to bring our sins into the Light of God as sins only thrive in darkness.

I have been wrestling with myself and Him on what I am about to share. There seems to be a lot at risk for this exposé.

Whether I will be revealing too much and eventually being outcast. People that I know may not see me in the same light again; i may be labeled, ridiculed or prejudged.
But this is a risk I am willing to take, though it may make me vulnerable and easy target.

To think that quite a lot of people i know, reads your blog, and how others may eventually 'stumble' upon this give me second thoughts, with a certain reputation of youth 'leader' to uphold.

But, after keep hearing the Lord say, "Bring it out into the light, reveal it.", He pushed me forward, and now I even decided to post this comment on my own blog.

I have been sharing about my struggles with pornography to my youth, though it was not an easy one and comfortable revelation, but i felt compelled to share. I humbled down myself, prayed and asked Him for strength and courage and trusted Him to lead.

This however, will be the first time I ever mention this to anyone, which you mentioned somewhere in your other post, a 'natural progression' from indulging pornography. Something that I have been keeping to myself and hope that He will not need me to share though by my sharing on pornography might have implicitly suggested it.

However, I did find comfort from an unlikely source, sno's quote of Mother Theresa's poem

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.

That quote loosely ties to the verses from First Peter, which i hold dearly in my own walk, 1 Peter 4:12-19.

Being a relative 'young' Christian, I read your struggles with full interest and anticipation. Hearing from you, how sometimes you can be so strong, and yet there will be the time you fall again. Then from the fall come back stronger, yet to fall again. You know very well what is wrong and what right. And yet, you like me and all of us struggle to do what is right.

Like you rightly pointed out, being a Christian is not a bed of roses, and really do make people wonder why we are still Christian any way.
But then again, not all are stayed on, and large number of us gave up, backslide and just left. But by His grace, and prayers we will eventually fall back to His arms.

Let me attempt to give you a 'male account' though you might have heard quite a few version already.

It all kind of came to me 'naturally'. I think I was at the age of 11 to 12 that I realized that I get 'aroused' when I see a scene two couple kissing on the TV screen.
Man ... you will think kissing?!! Just kissing!! Well, I will guess it have to do with the fact that it's biologically easier and more 'accessible' for a man to be aroused, but that is still open to discussion but we shall not go into that.

No one really told me what was going on. But when my parents noticed my 'reaction', I vaguely remembered them told me sheepishly it was 'natural'

Of course I was embarrassed!!

And I was not really sure what was happening to me.
All I know was ... doing 'it' ... feels nice, feels great
And it helps when there is 'some scene' on TV and I will be playing these scenes again and again on my mind.
Even romantic novels became a source of fantasy.
There was no internet at that time, pornographic was rare or not accessible. (thank goodness!)

Mind you, this was when I was a boy in his early teens, I didn't know it was 'normal'.
I was confused and scared and at same time 'enjoying' it.
So much fun that it eventually manifested itself and I slowly become addicted.

But some how, I felt that i was doing something 'dirty'
I felt it was something wrong ...
I felt it was sinful
I was doing it in hiding, in the dark, alone
I was afraid that some one will find out

Though there is a report saying 95% of man do it and %5 are lying, it does not seems to 'comfort' me

This carried me on till i came to know the Lord, five years back. Before that I have been reading about how it was consider to be sinful to do it and was attempting to stop it myself.
But when I came to Christ, the sin became more obvious. I tried and I tired on my own to stop. Reducing access to pornography, resist the temptations to open those attached emails.

But I was relying on my own strength. Till one day, when i was attending a conference that there was an altar to lay down our deepest secret sins.
I responded and i submitted myself to Him, asking Him to come to me to cleanse me and surrendering my body to Him.

Though, I am still tempted and occasional succumbed to it after that, but I find peace knowing He will be there for me, and I need to try harder next time. And each time it have been easier.

I am sure you all are familiar with 1 Corinthians 10:13, "No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it."

What a powerful verse.

"No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. ..."
-- Man, I am not alone!
"... God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. ..."
-- He is faithful and he never fails! He will always, ALWAYS NOT let us be tempted beyond what we can bear. And best of all, ...
"he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it."
-- There is a WAY OUT!!!

This is the verse it hold on dearly to ... owing there is a WAY OUT!!!
This verse have held me through, and almost in all occasion, i just need to hold out for a little longer and the temptation will go.
I will come back, but at least it's over now.
Although sometimes I wish I am actually tempted more than I can handle, so that I can have that excuse and 'do' it. See that is how the Devil is playing with me.

When tempted, most of the time, the temptation drives me nuts.
Picture this, alone in foreign country, in a hotel with free porn channel. Far away from anyone you know and anyone you accountable for ... enuff said.

I have to constantly remind myself, resisting the 'natural' urge of the flesh.
"No, No, No! Not the TV, no ... not the remote ... run away run!!!"
I have to endure this daily; every night went by without submission is a victory by itself.

Yet, we are constantly tempted, thus, we need to be constantly alert. It is tiring!

When we let our guard down, being satisfied with our short victory; that is when he will attack.
That is when the devil will start whispering to you.

He will say, you have down well, now is time to relax.
You 'deserve' it.
No point resisting it.
Give yourself a break.
This is just too tiring.
Eventually you will fall again.
You will never win. You will surely fall again.
2 weeks, 2 months, that's good enough.
Just do it this time, are you going to struggle for another day, when you can do it now?
Just restart the count.
Just do it.
You know He loves you, you know He will for give you, you know when you repent He will take you back.
Just do it now!
It's so easy. No more struggle, and greatest of all it feels soooooooooooo goooooodd!
Do it now!
Get over with it!
Enjoy it now, worry about it later.
Now! Now! Now!

BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR... Man I get goose bumps just typing that!!!

See ... this is how he plays his game, he will even use the Lord's name for his purpose. Sigh!

But with His grace and His strength, I have been holding out, for a while now.
I am slowly but surely, gaining strength.
I can still hear him whispering, sometimes even shouting, but I pray one day I will grow deaf to his voice and only hear His voice.

One of the way I found helpful in my battle is to be conscious of His presence. Be aware He is around and He KNOWS.
Some one, pointed out, one of the way to overcome temptation is to run.
Yup, it's true, but i find it helpful when i force myself to run to Him.
Run to Him prayers.

We need to condition ourselves to pray when we are tempted.
We need to speak to Him when we are tempted.
This is the most critical point, we need to be in His presence.
Run to Him instead of away.
More often than not, we will run away from God when we are about to sin. Just like Adam and Eve, hid from God when He was looking for them after they have ate the fruit.
Well, the bad news is, we can run but we can't hide, as we read from Genesis, God knew where they were and what they have done.

God wanted them to confess and repent. He want to give us second chances. He love us so so dearly.
And what did God do to Adam and Eve when they came out?
Although He was rightly mad, He clothed them!
Can you picture that? The bible say that in Genesis 3:21, "The Lord God made garments of skin for Adam and his wife and clothed them."
He made them clothes! Wow!

Another suggestion is to make ourselves accountable to someone we trust and know can hold us accountable. But for this case, I will say there are a whole community of bloggers you are accountable for!

Most Christians strive to live a Christ-like life. But more often than not, these 'secret' sins cripple us (though, I am not sure how much more secret this will be after i post this). There will always be a weakness for Satan to attack us, to exploit, our Achilles heel. He is the master of this. The thorn in our flesh.

There are times I was attacked, I start to doubt myself, question my worth, my 'right' to be serving in church
How can someone so sinful, so dirty serve? Aren't you a hypocrite? How can I help to spread His words, when I myself are 'unclean' before Him.
Well, some part of it is true, therefore, sometimes we need to take a step backward and deal with the sin before we continue. But i took heart that this is being faced constantly by each one of us, it all about how much you really care about the people you minister to. Do you want them to stumble by your action?

The fact is we are not perfect, we need to come to Him to be cleanse by Him, we may fall again and again, but each victory we come out from ... is a testimony to Him. A testimony of His grace and love.

You know, some of us, that are struggling now, may read this or other post and feel good and uplifted for a while, but then forget about it later.
Fall again, post another post.
He made us emotional being, ... hey ... He Himself is full of emotion (in His image)
We need each other for support and we in turn support one another.
Some of the posts and comments here maybe repetitive, but at least it is an assurance that He is speaking the same Words to all of us.
That itself is a comforting thought!

We are all going through this together; it is His love and grace that binds us together, as a Family in Christ.



Anyway, thanks for your site, your posts and the comment you attract
I will surely want to use some of these materials, to share with my youth or young adults cell.
Since, I noticed you 'disclaimer', I am going to ask for that permission now
And by the way, I am quoting this entire comment on my blog.

I am sure there is a reason, you are where you are now writing and journalizing instead of practicing law.
That make me suspect your involvement in sno's 'cameo' appearance in 'curious collectibles'
Hmmm ...

Well, as always, God Bless!

... btw blessed by this too!"

here for the original post.

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